Navigating life’s losses (4)

"A time to seek, and a time to lose;

There is a time to keep, and a time to throw away;

Ecclesiastes 3.6

What more do our children need from us when they are sad? (1) Our honesty. They should know that we are also hurting. When they see you crying but you tell them, "I'm fine," they're confused. They think that either you are not feeling the pain, and the tears mean nothing, or you are not being real with them. They need to know the real you, so they can be real with you and trust you with their sorrows. (2) Our awareness of their feelings without being defensive about them. For them, as far as you are concerned, there is “a time to weep…mourn…lose” (vv. 4, 6 NKJV). God has made all these experiences "appropriate in their time" (v.11 NAS). Don't stifle or invalidate their sadness, anger, and depression. It's part of their God-given humanity, and will help them become balanced, compassionate adults. (3) Sensitive listening. Children learn and grow through loss when they have an open and understanding listener. Listen, then reflect their feelings. "You seem upset. Want to talk about it?" Don't analyze, ask! Hear with your eyes and ears. "Your words say you are fine, but your eyes say you are sad." (4) Permission to express negative feelings. It is normal to have anger and resentment towards doctors, the system, family members, you, even God! Don't say, "You shouldn't say such things." Instead say, "Sounds like a genuine, honest expression of pain and disappointment. Want to talk about it more?" Expression removes negative emotions. (5) Indulging in our grief rituals. Include them in family gatherings, funeral planning, and services, and they will find comfort in this time of validation, closure, and healing!